Thursday, March 24, 2011

Strange news item from out of state

I received this news article without comment from my old friend Joe - it was just too... surreal not to share 


March 24 2011 - In Lynnwood yesterday a 4 year old girl was killed by an alligator owned by next door neighbor Kelvin Godwin, 51. The alligator broke through a side door and attacked the girl as she was playing in the living room. The owner was fined $50 for failure to provide proof of vaccination, and the alligator was taken by animal control officers to a holding facility where it will be tested for rabies and observed for signs of aggressive behavior. 






If the alligator is deemed dangerous, the owner will have to agree to keep it properly restrained in the future. Godwin, owner of the alligator, said "I don't know what happened. I had him tied up just like I was supposed to. I always keep him tied up. I guess he must have gotten loose somehow." Several neighbors, however, anonymously complained that the alligator had often been seen running loose, and is believed to be responsible for the killing of several neighborhood pets. 


Adrian Phillips, director of the local animal shelter, offered condolences, saying "This is an unfortunate accident, but keep in mind that alligators are no more likely to bite than any other reptile. Alligators can in fact make very good pets". 


Dr June Berkeley, renowned animal behavior expert, added "The important thing here is to keep things in perspective. The worst thing we could do is to start running around saying that alligators are dangerous. The fact is that all reptiles can bite, and alligator bites are relatively rare. On the other hand I've seen a lot of children bitten by geckos, and in my mind that is the real danger."


After reading the above, my first thought was "who are these pod people? where did they come from? has the whole friggen world gone crazy?" and my second thought was "this can't be real". Joe also sent me the reader comments on the article and there are some real head scratchers...


Dr Jim said:
This guy's alligator kills a kid, and these talking heads babble about what great pets they are? Alligators should be banned from inhabited areas. what the hell is wrong with these people?
Rage said:
You can't ban alligators, that's racist! Why not just ban all black people while you're at it? Species specific laws just don't work, that's already been proven.
Gator Dude said: 
Something doesn't add up here. It's just not making any sense. Alligators don't just suddenly attack for no reason. What's the real story here?
Concerned Citizen said:
Why the hell are we tolerating dangerous creatures like this? This has got to be criminal negligence. The alligator should be dead and the guy should be in jail! and what the hell is up with these gator nuts? Don't they realize a little girl was killed?
 LuvMyGator said:
You all are so quick to judge, aren't you? For all we know the girl provoked the attack. Where were the girl's parents by the way, and why was she left unsupervised?
Timmys Mom said:
It's all in how you raise them, "concerned citizen". I've had an alligator for 4 years and he's never hurt a fly, Timmy is the most gentle creature you ever seen. You should come over and meet Timmy and spend some time with him and I guarantee he'll change your mind about alligators.
A child burned said:
After I saw what the alligators did to my cousins cows at the river, I don't think they should be allowed anywhere near populated areas. Timmy's Mom, I think you're nuts, and I hope to God you don't have any kids.
Gatorz4ever said:
Why do you people always have to be hating on these misunderstood creatures. Don't you have anything better to do? I'm sick of all this hating. The alligator was probably just hungry, you can't blame him! It's not the alligator's fault, the owner should of kept him in his yard!
The expert said:
LOL @ The haters! Latest studies prove that chameleons are much more likely to bite than alligators. Did you know that alligators score higher on the RTTS than frogs? Not so smug now, are you?

The expert said: 
Oh here's another news flash: alligators DON'T HAVE LOCKING JAWS. That's a complete myth. I'll Bet I just rocked your world. So tell me, why don't you focus on the real problems and quit sticking your nose where it doesn't belong?

After reading all of this I began to suspect that old Joe must be playing a practical joke on me. In fact I'm sure of it now. I mean, the whole thing is just so bizarre - it reminds me of what happens whenever a news site reports on a pit bull attack!

24 comments:

  1. Brilliant.

    Seriously though, don't you know that cars kill more people than alligators? So, before you pass rules about alligator owning, shouldn't you pass laws about driving cars? I mean be consistent for goodness sake.

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  2. This is great. Loved the irony of the comment from the person who wanted to straighten everyone out on the issue of non-locking alligator jaws.

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  3. Why are some people commenting about how other species bite more than alligators? We're talking about more than a bite here. A child is dead and probably it was a horrible death. Idiots!!!!
    Sharon

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  4. My family has always had gators and I've been around them all my life without a single problem. Of course any gator that is starved, beaten, improperly socialized or trained to fight is going to be mean, but it's all in how you raise them! Like my shirt says, "Don't be a gator hater - that's racism!"

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  5. shame on the media!!! always reporting on the negative and giving these sweet wiggle butts a bad rap!
    gators are perfectly safe family pets, they score higher on temperament tests than caimans or crocs. i would never trust my child with any other reptile!!

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  6. So much ignorance, hate and discrimination in the world! You people need to do your own research! You are as bad as Hitler! These are the most loving forgiving animals that I have ever known.
    My gator was rescued from an abusive drug dealer who kept him chained in the yard and beat him. He is just the most loving and trusting animal. I had him certified as a therapy pet. He helps kids improve their reading skills and overcome huge obstacles. I will NEVER own any other animal.

    IF IT AINT GATER, SEE YA LATER!

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  7. Oh yeah and hippos kill MORE people!

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  8. SHAME on Florida for passing RSL. How dare they stereotype them as "dangerous."

    I have rescued hundreds of alligators, and I was never bitten once by one. I've been bit plenty of times by mosquitoes, but NEVER an alligator.

    Don't they know that ANY reptile can be dangerous if you don't know how to approach it? That said, only special people should rescue alligators. If you're not special, you shouldn't approach, rescue or feed an alligator you don't know.

    Those poor 'gators are going hungry now and will never get rescued just because of a couple irresponsible people who didn't know how to approach a gator. I'm starting a facebook page against Florida RSL!

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_iUpoNBZyaBc/TGkaMIcOO0I/AAAAAAAAEBI/tcOk0QcC5JQ/s1600/Floriduh.jpg

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  9. LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET, CONSECTETUER ADIPISCING ELIT, SED DIAM NONUMMY NIBH EUISMOD TINCIDUNT UT LAOREET DOLORE MAGNA ALIQUAM ERAT VOLUTPAT. UT WISI ENIM AD MINIM VENIAM, QUIS NOSTRUD EXERCI TATION ULLAMCORPER SUSCIPIT LOBORTIS NISL UT ALIQUIP EX EA COMMODO CONSEQUAT. DUIS AUTEM VEL EUM IRIURE DOLOR IN HENDRERIT IN VULPUTATE VELIT ESSE MOLESTIE CONSEQUAT, VEL ILLUM DOLORE EU FEUGIAT NULLA FACILISIS AT VERO EROS ET ACCUMSAN ET IUSTO ODIO DIGNISSIM QUI BLANDIT PRAESENT LUPTATUM ZZRIL DELENIT AUGUE DUIS DOLORE TE FEUGAIT NULLA FACILISI. NAM LIBER TEMPOR CUM SOLUTA NOBIS ELEIFEND OPTION CONGUE NIHIL IMPERDIET DOMING ID QUOD MAZIM PLACERAT FACER POSSIM ASSUM. TYPI NON HABENT CLARITATEM INSITAM; EST USUS LEGENTIS IN IIS QUI FACIT EORUM CLARITATEM. INVESTIGATIONES DEMONSTRAVERUNT LECTORES LEGERE ME LIUS QUOD II LEGUNT SAEPIUS. CLARITAS EST ETIAM PROCESSUS DYNAMICUS, QUI SEQUITUR MUTATIONEM CONSUETUDIUM LECTORUM. MIRUM EST NOTARE QUAM LITTERA GOTHICA, QUAM NUNC PUTAMUS PARUM CLARAM, ANTEPOSUERIT LITTERARUM FORMAS HUMANITATIS PER SEACULA QUARTA DECIMA ET QUINTA DECIMA. EODEM MODO TYPI, QUI NUNC NOBIS VIDENTUR PARUM CLARI, FIANT SOLLEMNES IN FUTURUM.

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  10. We know the predictable nutters too well, don't we? But then again, that's what we haters do - stereotype!

    Great post, Jake.

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  11. Gater Nutter is cracking me up.

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  12. Show me the money!April 12, 2011 at 10:40 AM

    Reptile lovers, be sure and catch the premier of our new reality show "crooks and crocs", where we give ex-cons a second chance. Each ex con is teamed with a crocodile who also has a troubled past, and we watch their antics as they adapt to life on the outside.

    Catch this hot new show on animal planet this summer! Hours of viewing pleasure for the whole family!

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  13. this has turned out to be an awesome running joke. too bad it is buried in the comments.

    you know what we need? we need a satire site. a pit nutter equivalent to the onion.

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  14. Then you the ol' "What about SUV's?!?" argument which ignores the fact that when Ford unleashed the top heavy, unstable combo of the Explorer equipped with Firestine tires...Ford paid $Billions in liability settlements, recall and redesigning costs.

    There is no movement in the Pit community to produce a safer dog.

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  15. Hey, I have a red nose alligator and he's the sweetest reptile I've ever seen! He'll lick you to death! My anole is the one you have to watch out for! Geckos have killed more people than alligators, it's true! I saw it on alligatorsontheweb.com so I know it's true! You are all just a bunch of haters!

    -Xiph

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  16. Seriously, this article gave me a good laugh. It's absolutely hilarious how it fits the nutter crowd so well.

    -Xiph

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  17. Thanks for your comments xiph - When I first got the inspiration to write this blog entry I really hoped that it would capture the style of the pro-pit arguments in a facetious, yet completely recognizable way.

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  18. I dunno, it just doesn't add up. There's more to this story. Anyway most ppl can't identify a gator so it could have been a croc.

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  19. http://cryptozoologynews.blogspot.com/2012/04/pet-alligator-seized-from-home-with.html

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  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  21. This is pure racism, everyone knows Alligators were NANNY reptiles, my kid plays with our gator all the time, and the worst he would do is lick you to death. How many of you have actually owned a GATOR, I bet none of you, if you OWNED one you would know what I am talking about. Most of the Alligator attacks aren't Alligators anyway, they are almost always some weird hybrid reptile, I dare you to take the Visual Gator test and see if you can actually spot a pure breed Alligator, I bet you can't. I'm sick and tired of Alligator attack victims blaming the whole Alligator breed. Blue tongue lizards attack far more and are ten times as viscous, but I don't see anyone wanting to ban Blue Tongues. Do some homework you ignorant GATOR HATERS!

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  22. This is just pure ignorance and racism. Alligators are Nanny Gators, my kid plays with our Alligator (Jaws) all the time and Jaws just loves him, my concern is he might just lick him to death. Have you even owned or been around an Alligator, I bet you haven't. Why don't you get educated instead of preaching GATOR HATE, I own 4 Alligators and they have never harmed anyone. To blame the whole Alligator breed for a few maimings and murders of innocent children is just sick, most of the victims provoked it anyway, and deserve to be murdered. This sick media conspiracy against Alligators has got to stop, plus blue tongued lizards are far more vicious and attack way more often, and I don't here you calling for a ban on them. Why don't you post positive stories on Alligators, my Gator has saved my life 15 times, and you never hear about those stories do you. Blame the Victim Not the Gator. Get educated FOOLS!

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