The conspiracy to kill Timmy

Timmy is a very happy, well-behaved spider who loves walks, belly rubs, and feeding times. He deserves every chance at a normal life in a loving home. But Timmy's life is threatened. His crime? Simply that he looks like a brown recluse spider. 

Please help me. They want to kill me because of my appearance.

"This is racism of the lowest kind", said Carol Deluise, director of the National Arachnid Research Council. "These docile creatures have gotten a bad rap because of bad owners, and a media that seeks sensational headlines. Brown recluse spiders are no different from any other spider." She continues "In reality, nobody can identify a brown recluse spider; technically, there is no such thing. And anyway, all the statistics point to garden spiders as the biggest biters." 

June Berkeley, director of the Arachnid Family Foundation,  says "These spiders were bred to be really great with children. They were originally called nanny spiders and were often used to look after children in Victorian England."  She adds, "that was their primary role until recent times, when bad owners started abusing them, and forcing them to attack. The only reason they ever attack is because they are so loyal to their owners. Arachnid temperament tests show that brown recluse spiders score higher than garden spiders!"

Dolly Kane, a Ft Myers-based activist who focuses on human rights issues for Brown Recluse spiders, spoke with us, saying "Even if one of these babies was provoked so badly that he did accidentally bite someone, the fact is everyone deserves a second chance. Before you go condemning and hating these innocent creatures just because of their appearance, take a good look in the mirror." She concludes "If you really want to make a difference in the world, stop hating and educate yourself! Find out about the good side of brown recluse spiders. For instance, they don't have locking jaws as everyone assumes. Go volunteer your time with rescue. Your views will change."

Sally Zeller, herself bitten by a brown recluse spider last year, says that she doesn't blame the spider for the attack. "All I can figure is that It must have been spooked by the new aquarium. But hey, stuff happens. I forgive him for biting me, and I've moved on with my life. Why can't everybody else do the same?"

Megan Dumpolz spoke out passionately "I am so sick and tired of my baby being judged because of his appearance. It's time to stop the violence, and it's time to stop the haters!' She explains "It's never the spider, it's always bad owners. You take a spider, you lock it up, abuse it and make it fearful, guess what, it's going to bite, Sherlock! I am so sick of all the whining 'waaa, the spider bit me and I lost my hand' Well boo freaking hoo! Things happen, get over it. If you can't handle a real spider, then shut up and sit down"

Finally, a blogger/spider activist known as "Tyrant Bob" threw down the gauntlet: "Any of you ignorant racists who claim brown recluse spiders don't make good pets, well, let me tell you, if we ever catch you, we're gonna give you what's coming to you andl lock you up in a dungeon full of brown recluse spiders, what do you think about that?"

Overheard in a technical forum

I was reading an online article in a technical forum today where a discussion arose in the comments thread about the reliability of paypal. I found it interesting to see the following comment from a tech guru in Texas:


Using paypal is like owning a pit bull. Sure, it treats you good and seems harmless, (sans a huge appetite for your money in service fees) But one day, for reasons only it understands, it will turn around and bite the cr@p out of you.

Am I the only one who thought that comment was over the edge? Hopefully, after he cools off, he'll apologize to paypal for the comparison.

Talking points for pitbull supporters

I saw this helpful document over at Craven Desires and thought it was just too informative not to share. All pit bull lovers will naturally want to memorize this page (or print it out and keep it next to your computer so that you can go online to post these talking points as comments wherever and whenever you find news stories dealing with pit bulls)

Click here to access the high resolution PDF and begin educating the world!

Strange news item from out of state

I received this news article without comment from my old friend Joe - it was just too... surreal not to share 


March 24 2011 - In Lynnwood yesterday a 4 year old girl was killed by an alligator owned by next door neighbor Kelvin Godwin, 51. The alligator broke through a side door and attacked the girl as she was playing in the living room. The owner was fined $50 for failure to provide proof of vaccination, and the alligator was taken by animal control officers to a holding facility where it will be tested for rabies and observed for signs of aggressive behavior. 

If the alligator is deemed dangerous, the owner will have to agree to keep it properly restrained in the future. Godwin, owner of the alligator, said "I don't know what happened. I had him tied up just like I was supposed to. I always keep him tied up. I guess he must have gotten loose somehow." Several neighbors, however, anonymously complained that the alligator had often been seen running loose, and is believed to be responsible for the killing of several neighborhood pets. 


Adrian Phillips, director of the local animal shelter, offered condolences, saying "This is an unfortunate accident, but keep in mind that alligators are no more likely to bite than any other reptile. Alligators can in fact make very good pets". 


Dr June Berkeley, renowned animal behavior expert, added "The important thing here is to keep things in perspective. The worst thing we could do is to start running around saying that alligators are dangerous. The fact is that all reptiles can bite, and alligator bites are relatively rare. On the other hand I've seen a lot of children bitten by geckos, and in my mind that is the real danger."


After reading the above, my first thought was "who are these pod people? where did they come from? has the whole friggen world gone crazy?" and my second thought was "this can't be real". Joe also sent me the reader comments on the article and there are some real head scratchers...


Dr Jim said:

This guy's alligator kills a kid, and these talking heads babble about what great pets they are? Alligators should be banned from inhabited areas. what the hell is wrong with these people?

Rage said:

You can't ban alligators, that's racist! Why not just ban all black people while you're at it? Species specific laws just don't work, that's already been proven.

Gator Dude said: 

Something doesn't add up here. It's just not making any sense. Alligators don't just suddenly attack for no reason. What's the real story here?

Concerned Citizen said:

Why the hell are we tolerating dangerous creatures like this? This has got to be criminal negligence. The alligator should be dead and the guy should be in jail! and what the hell is up with these gator nuts? Don't they realize a little girl was killed?

 LuvMyGator said:

You all are so quick to judge, aren't you? For all we know the girl provoked the attack. Where were the girl's parents by the way, and why was she left unsupervised?

Timmys Mom said:

It's all in how you raise them, "concerned citizen". I've had an alligator for 4 years and he's never hurt a fly, Timmy is the most gentle creature you ever seen. You should come over and meet Timmy and spend some time with him and I guarantee he'll change your mind about alligators.

A child burned said:

After I saw what the alligators did to my cousins cows at the river, I don't think they should be allowed anywhere near populated areas. Timmy's Mom, I think you're nuts, and I hope to God you don't have any kids.

Gatorz4ever said:

Why do you people always have to be hating on these misunderstood creatures. Don't you have anything better to do? I'm sick of all this hating. The alligator was probably just hungry, you can't blame him! It's not the alligator's fault, the owner should of kept him in his yard!

The expert said:

LOL @ The haters! Latest studies prove that chameleons are much more likely to bite than alligators. Did you know that alligators score higher on the RTTS than frogs? Not so smug now, are you?

The expert said: 

Oh here's another news flash: alligators DON'T HAVE LOCKING JAWS. That's a complete myth. I'll Bet I just rocked your world. So tell me, why don't you focus on the real problems and quit sticking your nose where it doesn't belong?

After reading all of this I began to suspect that old Joe must be playing a practical joke on me. In fact I'm sure of it now. I mean, the whole thing is just so bizarre - it reminds me of what happens whenever a news site reports on a pit bull attack!