Saturday, September 15, 2012

The conspiracy to kill Timmy

Timmy is a very happy, well-behaved spider who loves walks, belly rubs, and feeding times. He deserves every chance at a normal life in a loving home. But Timmy's life is threatened. His crime? Simply that he looks like a brown recluse spider. 

Please help me. They want to kill me because of my appearance.

"This is racism of the lowest kind", said Carol Deluise, director of the National Arachnid Research Council. "These docile creatures have gotten a bad rap because of bad owners, and a media that seeks sensational headlines. Brown recluse spiders are no different from any other spider." She continues "In reality, nobody can identify a brown recluse spider; technically, there is no such thing. And anyway, all the statistics point to garden spiders as the biggest biters." 

June Berkeley, director of the Arachnid Family Foundation,  says "These spiders were bred to be really great with children. They were originally called nanny spiders and were often used to look after children in Victorian England."  She adds, "that was their primary role until recent times, when bad owners started abusing them, and forcing them to attack. The only reason they ever attack is because they are so loyal to their owners. Arachnid temperament tests show that brown recluse spiders score higher than garden spiders!"

Dolly Kane, a Ft Myers-based activist who focuses on human rights issues for Brown Recluse spiders, spoke with us, saying "Even if one of these babies was provoked so badly that he did accidentally bite someone, the fact is everyone deserves a second chance. Before you go condemning and hating these innocent creatures just because of their appearance, take a good look in the mirror." She concludes "If you really want to make a difference in the world, stop hating and educate yourself! Find out about the good side of brown recluse spiders. For instance, they don't have locking jaws as everyone assumes. Go volunteer your time with rescue. Your views will change."

Sally Zeller, herself bitten by a brown recluse spider last year, says that she doesn't blame the spider for the attack. "All I can figure is that It must have been spooked by the new aquarium. But hey, stuff happens. I forgive him for biting me, and I've moved on with my life. Why can't everybody else do the same?"

Megan Dumpolz spoke out passionately "I am so sick and tired of my baby being judged because of his appearance. It's time to stop the violence, and it's time to stop the haters!' She explains "It's never the spider, it's always bad owners. You take a spider, you lock it up, abuse it and make it fearful, guess what, it's going to bite, Sherlock! I am so sick of all the whining 'waaa, the spider bit me and I lost my hand' Well boo freaking hoo! Things happen, get over it. If you can't handle a real spider, then shut up and sit down"

Finally, a blogger/spider activist known as "Tyrant Bob" threw down the gauntlet: "Any of you ignorant racists who claim brown recluse spiders don't make good pets, well, let me tell you, if we ever catch you, we're gonna give you what's coming to you andl lock you up in a dungeon full of brown recluse spiders, what do you think about that?"


  1. Excellent, and good to see the "usual suspects" are here to defend the rights of the much maligned spider who has unfortunately been given a "bad rap."


  2. LOL. I doesn't really make sense when you substitute a different animal does it? I like to see a pit owner cuddle one of those bad boys.

  3. Spiders have been loved by children for centuries. Who didn't sing the Itsy Bitsy Spider growing up? And what was Charlotte of Charlotte's web? A SPIDER. WHO COULD WRITE WITH HER BUTT.

    That is PROOF that they've always been beloved by children.

    And before anyone mentions little miss muffet, that spider did no harm to little miss muffet, he just surprised her, that's all, so no badmouthing!





    1. timmy the recluse spider , hahaha. explains a lot .

  5. The only flaw here is that the BRS is a product of nature, where the venerable Pit Bull is a product of human engineering. The pit bull is a consumer product aimed at a particular niche: Those that want to use their pet as a weapon in legalized assaults and to project intimidation upon others.

  6. Love it! Love the nutter talking points illustrated here. And hey, don't be badmouthing writing spiders! I have several in my garden. They are so cool.

  7. Love this! The user comments accompanying this post are just as clever <3

  8. LOL! Thanks for making my day with this.


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